communicating your needs to your partner
Communication is the foundation of all relationships. It’s what keeps us learning, understanding, and growing together through life’s highs and lows. On the opposite side, improper communication can be the final straw in even the strongest relationships. In times like these when we are further apart (physically) than ever, we are all craving open, honest, fulfilling conversation that expands intimacy. But, these urges don’t necessarily translate into execution. So, we’ve taken it upon ourselves to reflect on what communication means to The Pleasure+ team, and how we can all do our part to communicate more effectively. Listen up!
FOCUS ON THE 5 LOVE LANGUAGES
Gary Chapman’s 5 Love Languages is the perfect place to start when trying to understand the potential disconnect between you and your partner. The quiz has allegedly helped millions improve their relationships, and we believe it! Communication barriers can often come from misunderstanding our partner - and this test will help fill the gap. According to the website, there are five different communication styles: words of affirmation, acts of service, receiving gifts, quality time, and physical touch. Since we all express and feel love differently, understanding what’s most important to your partner can dramatically impact the quality of your relationship. You’ll understand the root of what makes them feel appreciated, and be able to reciprocate that. And that’s HUGE!
SET BOUNDARIES
The unwritten rules of self-care dictate that we cannot pour from an empty cup. When we do, we end up feeling burnt out and simply unappreciative of our partner. Neglecting our needs means that we are less equipped to make our partner happy and boundaries are one step closer to relationship satisfaction.
The thing is, while we all feel guilty about saying ‘no’ from time to time, being a ‘yes person’ can stagnate a partnership just as much. Instead of being deceived by their bad reputation, focus on how boundaries will contribute to more respectful relationships. And that’s just one element that will make it easier to assert them!
BE HONEST, OPEN AND VULNERABLE
The phrase ‘say what you mean, and mean what you say’ resonates with the strongest relationships. Moving away from conflict or lying to diffuse a situation might feel comfortable, but will inhibit intimacy in the long run. While walking away is a temporary solution, expressing your honest feelings is an excellent practice in strengthening communication and in turn, the relationship.
IMMERSE YOURSELF IN THE MOMENT
In these unconventional times, our minds wander to a million different places. From keeping our children occupied to working from home to hours ruminating about the state of the world, we’re all a little inattentive. Allocate one hour a day completely undistracted, dedicating 100% of your time to your partner. This starts with the little things, like asking the small (but important!) questions about their day, making eye contact, and gracing them with your touch. A little bit of undivided attention goes a long way!
NEVER ASSUME
As intimacy develops in your relationship, you will learn the ins and outs of what makes your partner tick, and what they dislike, too. With that said, assumptions and mindreading can cause major issues in relationships. Whether direct or indirect, assumptions can elicit a toxic emotional response that might not be valid. If you’re questioning a situation, simply ask directly. Don’t assume that your partner always knows what you are thinking or feeling, either! Divulging feelings goes a long way.
USE ‘FEELING’ WORDS
And when you feel your partner getting defensive, ‘I feel’ statements can be powerful. ‘You’ can automatically make your partner feel resentful, especially if you find yourself in a heated argument. Even if you feel victimized in a situation, share it from a perspective of how it affects you. For instance, if your partner is often late to meet you, you might feel inclined to say ‘YOU ARE ALWAYS LATE!’ However, switching the dialogue with a focus on ‘I feel sad/neglected/hurt/frustrated when you are late to meet me,’ it opens the floor for productive communication.
WHAT NEXT?
Mindful communication has plentiful benefits, from increasing the feeling of security in a relationship to enhancing passion and intimacy within the partnership. When you are listening, focus on understanding instead of thinking about how to respond. Some of the recommendations above might increase our vulnerability, but that’s actually a good thing! When we allow ourselves to be our true selves in a relationship, we allow ourselves to live an authentic life. And that will improve every aspect of our being.